I have now learned that our long-held desire to leave New Orleans is being fulfilled. I've accepted a position in upstate New York and will be moving early this summer. We have an amazing opportunity and believe that this will be a place to put down roots and pursue our deepest wishes.
And yet, it's so sad to think about leaving. Such grief comes as no surprise. What I didn't see coming though was the guilt. This is probably a reflection of tremendous self-absorption and the harboring of a false belief that my being here has really mattered. It's not an uncommon post-katrina sentiment that I have heard so many people struggle with for 2 1/2 years - stay or go; get on board or get off the boat; do I belong here or somewhere else? Does my work and my life contribute to the transformation of this city? Imagine an entire community wrestling with such big questions; it's been an existential crisis of a fairly grand scale. And now mine is finally resolved.
Can you love someone and hate someone at the same time? Is this a sign of a relationship that is probably not very healthy? It seems perfectly natural to personify New Orleans as an old lover. S/he is a loving and caring person full of great beauty, creativity and laughter. But, s/he has also been neglected and battered and is full of grief. S/he has seen too much. Because of this, s/he sometimes treats people around her very poorly. I'm sorry we have to end this; I hope we can try to be friends.
1 comment:
Congratulations (I say again!) on the move, and condolences on the loss of New Orleans. I do understand, I think, your ambivalence. I have loved New Orleans all my life. I sometimes think I would like to live there (even now, maybe especially now), but am sure it will never happen. Anyway, let's all go back together, one day, and do some serious eating, OK?
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